Maybe you’ve been with your partner for many years. Or perhaps you’re just looking to spice things up a bit in the bedroom. To keep those home fires burning, sometimes you need to try some new things. Jess O’Reilly, Lovehoney sex and relationship expert shares her advice on everything from how to sext to what you can buy to make sex hotter.
Get some lubricant. Yes, one of the simplest ways you can heat things up with your partner is available at the drugstore. “Regardless of age, gender, body, sexual orientation or personality, lube can make sex hotter — and far more interesting,” says O’Reilly. She says that just a few drops can help you to expand your sexual repertoire, not to mention options to include your hands, fingers, lips, tongue, cheeks, nipples, thighs and so much more. “Just as you use oil or lotion to make a massage more pleasurable (and allow you to stroke more smoothly, deeply or adeptly), so too does lube make sex more pleasurable — from oral to fingering to intercourse and every sex act in between,” she says.
Add some sex toys to the mix. There’s no need to feel shy or embarrassed about sex toys. “Sex toys are far more common than you may think. Gone are the days when sex toys were intimidating and gaudy—now you have every option under the sun from a classic, powerful wand to a luxurious lipstick vibe,” says O’Reilly. But what if you and your partner have never used them? She recommends broaching the topic by using a pop culture reference, for example, “Did you see that billboard on the highway advertising sex toys? Pretty cheeky, right?” Alternatively, O’Reilly swears that this three-pronged approach will make it easy to bring up the idea:
Start with the positive. I love the way it felt last Sunday when you…
Make an inquiry. What are you into? OR How did it feel for you?
Make your request. I’m thinking of ordering a toy that we can use together. How do you feel about that? Would you browse with me online this afternoon?
Add some new positions into your repertoire. Let’s face it: A romp in the sack can practically become routine when you’ve been together for many years. So how do you introduce new positions when it’s become the same old moves each time? O’Reilly says that one of the easiest ways to change positions involves changing locations. “Take sex out of the bed and be inspired. Even moving a few feet to the edge of the bed so that one of you is standing and the other is sitting on the edge can help you to try new positions and new sexual explorations,” she says. In fact, make a game of it and ban sex from the bed for a week or two. “Leave coded notes around the house asking your partner to meet you in the shower, laundry room or garage!”
That said, it’s common to feel a little nervous or self-conscious about a new position. To help ease your nerves, O’Reilly recommends turning down the lights and blindfolding your partner, so you don’t feel that you’re being watched. “The sensory deprivation can heighten their sensations and it can help to put you at ease and allow you to sink into the pleasure.”
Make out like teenagers–and stop there. Often, we lose that passion for just kissing as we get older, but it can be fun to tease and build anticipation, says O’Reilly. “Dopamine, the neurochemical associated with pleasure and reward, spikes when you start to anticipate something pleasurable and exciting. And setting limits (with open communication) is one way to intensify anticipation and prolong pleasure — throughout the day or week,” she says. Also, connection and intimacy can take a toll when there’s a lack of closeness and physical affection. “Making time to connect physically — snuggle, make out, hug, dance, etc. — can help to maintain the bond and intimacy in all relationships.”
Add in some role playing. If you’re brand new to role playing, O’Reilly recommends starting by talking about how you want to feel in a role play. “You may not be able to easily identify the specific roles you want to play, but if you can start with the desired feelings, it can help to spawn meaningful and safe conversations,” she says. Ask yourself if you’d like to feel powerful, for example (in which case, you might enjoy playing the role of teacher, boss or coach or perhaps submissive (try the role of student or employee) – and there are outfits and costumes that can help you get into the role. Most importantly, while there are no rules other than the ones you set, the most important things is that you talk about your expectations, desires and boundaries before, during and after, says O’Reilly.
Use sexting to spice things up. First off, get consent and make sure your partner is on board with sexting. One of the easiest ways to sext if you’re new to it and not sure how to go about it? Talk about hot memories (“I’m thinking about that time we…”) or just give a compliment (“I’ve been thinking about your perfect ass all day.”). A way to kick it up a notch? Send a voice note instead. “For auditory lovers, the sound of your voice can be highly erotic and enticing,” says O’Reilly. Also, don’t feel like you have to launch into sexting with nude photos. “Build up to it — with words, phrases, voice notes, blurry pics,” recommends O’Reilly. Also, she stresses that you don’t have to sound like a rom-com character or a porn star. “Write and speak in your own words, using words that are in line with your personality and comfort level.”
Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Jess O’Reilly shares her top picks.
We-Vibe TouchX It’s perfect for newbies (but experienced folks will love it, too). “This deep, rumbly vibe covers the length of the lips and has a rounded tip for direct, powerful stimulation of the clitoral head. It fits perfectly in the palm of your hand and can be used alone (lie on top of it to grind and enjoy the vibrations) or with a partner.”
Womanizer Liberty “This is an orgasm in the palm of your hand. You can tease all around to take your time and build desire or press it over the head of the clitoris for a quickie orgasm. This unique Pleasure Air sensation is whisper-quiet, and it feels like a cross between sucking, vibrating, pulsing and kissing.”
Romp Juke “This vibrating ring offers a full hour of pleasure for both partners. It’s stretchy, smooth, powerful and a great affordable toy if you’re brand new to vibrators.”